Being punished without punishment.

A majority of my childhood was spent with my sister and grandma. Sissy and I were always at grandma's house having sleepovers so mom and dad could have there own time. I loved it. When we were with grandma, any wish we had, was granted. Grandma would always cook our favorite food/dessert, play our favorite games, watch our favorite shows, and so on. I am the youngest so the treatment for me was intensified because I was the baby. My sister being the most loving person I know, felt no jealousy towards grandma's extra attention on me. I on the other hand craved the attention and always wanted the spotlight on me when grandma was around. I could basically get away with anything, and being the immature child that I was, I took full advantage of it until one sleepover when I took it too far. 

It was just a regular sleepover at grandma's house. Our day usually consisted of playing with bubbles in the backyard, pretending to be waitresses on the porch, dressing up in grandmas clothes and heels, playing the card game old maid, and "helping" grandma make her homemade peanut butter fudge. As usual I was having a great time. It was after dinner and we were watching grandma's favorite show that she never missed, The Lawrence Welk Show. That show always bored me so that night I decided to be a hairdresser and give grandma a new style. While sissy and grandpa sat on the couch, I stood behind grandma in her sofa chair and styled away. I completely brushed out her usual soft curls and started putting in braids and pony tails. I was obviously pulling a little to hard because she politely asked me to stop and told me she was getting a headache. I was not done yet. I continued to do it and she then told me in a little more stern of a voice to stop. I didn't want to. I walked around to the front of the chair and said something smart, she said something nice back of course. I was mad because I was not getting my way so I slapped my grandma. Immediately after I slapped her I realized I did something horribly bad. I think she could tell in my face that I was horrified. I couldn't believe what I had just done. Of course my sister was yelling in my ear, but my grandma just sat there. All she said was, "Kelsey, don't do that." Thats it. I also heard a few more words from my grandpa saying, "you can't hit your grandma, there is no reason for that so cut it out right now." I was so confused and so many emotions were running through my mind. I was upset because I knew that what I did was incredibly wrong. I was also trying to be stubborn because it would of hurt my pride to admit that I did something wrong. I didn't want to be wrong. I was mad that all my grandma said was "Kelsey, don't do that." I wanted to be punished. I wanted to get in trouble so bad, but I didn't. I said sorry to my grandma and when I said it out loud the apology didn't seem sincere but inside I was screaming for forgiveness. Even the next day my grandma made my sister promise not to tell my parents what had happened the night before. My sister told them immediately and I got in big trouble from my parents, but it wasn't good enough. My grandma never talked about it again.

I still think about that sleepover all the time. I still feel guilty till this day. Now I see that silence was my punishment and that saying nothing hurt more than being yelled at. I was to confused, angry, sad, and guilty to realize that my feelings were punishment enough. My grandma knew that what I did hurt me and she let me deal with the punishment on my own. I learned my lesson even though nothing was said.